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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
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12:50 am
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some conversations are reoccurring. like the universal "if you could be any age again, what age would you be?" conversation that pops up at dwindling parties and high school reunions. i have always defended 14.
when i was 14 i pulled all nighters. followed my instinct regardless of outcome. told really horrible jokes. enjoyed moments for what they were. wore a lot of red lipstick for some reason. was in love with everything. forgot about my responsibilities. was really weepy. talked to strangers. kept a lot of secrets. slayed many dragons. blushed. was aware that i was beautiful. jumped headfirst.
feels like 14 again.
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| Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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1:30 pm
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my mind is rather scattershot right now, and i'm afraid that this post may reflect that. apologies to all.
anyway, first thing on my mind. i feel like i absolutely must sing the praises of apple. the 6GB pink iPod mini i bought is my new electronic best friend and everything about my powerbook - mac os X tiger, ease of setup and use, and the laptop's design itself - puts windows-based PCs to shame. if i can avoid it, i will never buy or use another windows PC again, other than my old desktop. i still have to use my desktop for internet, though, because i only have dial-up at my house and want to wait to configure my powerbook for wireless and broadband when i get to school. also, i'm in the market for a digital camera - any recommendations or suggestions? i don't need a digital SLR or anything fancy, just a point-and-shoot with decent digital and optical zoom that is preferably under $200.
second: i'm back on a health kick of sorts. more specifically, a weight kick. i've gained a few pounds and while the average onlooker wouldn't be able to tell that i have, i feel pudgy. (shut up, all of you in the know, 101 is chubby for me.) linda taught us some pilates on girls night in addition to showing us some makeup tricks, and i found a pilates workout saved on my computer, so for the past few mornings i've been doing that and trying to find an aerobic workout besides. after attempting floor aerobics and an extended DDR-playing period, i've discovered that i am woefully out of shape. somewhere in between pilates and DDR today i ate too many potato chips and now feel incredibly guilty.
speaking of food it would be ideal to get some actually healthy food into my system, along with social interaction. i haven't left the house either yesterday or today and it's not healthy, even though i've been pitifully "working out" and reading ("varieties of religious experience" by william james, if anyone's interested or has read it). before i leave i want to go to sublime - the idea of gourmet vegan food is appealing, especially after reading the menu posted online. give me a call or drop me a line if anyone wants to hang out and meet for dinner. so many of us are leaving and we need to use the time that's left to our advantages.
current music: frou frou
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| Saturday, July 9th, 2005
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5:08 pm
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So I am reminded of things I’ve forgotten
the way doors can open and people just walk in
its not unexpected
no its just how you planned it
beginning to think it might never happen
but now it is happening.
I watch you stand next to me with your hand over your mouth
and join the crowds heavy gasp
one for each time they pass overhead
so we’ve been selected this beautiful lottery
we struggled so long but it ended so easy
it's starting to surface all golden and god like this feeling we had everyday and everynight
it burst in an energy
the door it is opening
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| Monday, May 16th, 2005
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11:29 pm - we've got to start feeding our souls... not our addictions
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i wasnt sure if this was the place to go for something so delicate. but i return to my comfort zone of words and empty phrases to let you know how much this hurts. i want to hate you so badly for taking such an amazing person and making her into an unkind stranger what seems like overnight. i love as a friend too much for this to be easy. i wont get over this. how can summer have been a lifetime away? you think this is really who you are? an empty shell of a girl that stood out to me amongst the fake and the proud? you were incredibly beautiful, inside and out. now all i see is skin and bone. thats it. your eyes are sunken and hollow. your words hold no warmth. all of the people that should mean the most are second priority to filthy habits. i want to scare you. show you what we all are watching. a car crash. you are a car crash. i cant help but want to look away. is this where you saw yourself? as a worthless existance? cruel to be kind. i love you with harsh reality and accusing stares. because i have to. because you made me.
you are a ghost
your heartbeat is drowned out by screams
sleep away your reality
the drugs will make you better
than our love ever could
you've already convinced yourself
so ill make it easy
goodbye to a friend.
welcome to the ghost.
find me when you come back to life. ill be waiting. always. i love you.
current mood:  scared
current music: run, snow patrol
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| Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
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3:31 pm
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days of realization open up new possible solutions.
where are you going? i know where i'm going. what do you want? i know what i want.
i'm standing firm. implanted. like a deeply rooted tree in the ground. i'm not going anywhere. but when things aren't branching out like they should, i'm movin' out like an ent. yeah they waited too. there was no need to run, but when a storm comes rushing through, it's time to confront. but who really has the courage of an ent? they're a billion times stronger. yet my mind is stronger than my weight. go ahead and try to push me. i'm not kidding. go ahead and try.
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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1:15 pm
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My mom is coming this weekend, and we are going to the spa on saturday as a treat. Girly bonding time if you will :). She's getting a pedicure, and I'm getting an oh so wonderful full body massage, which i'm really looking forward to. Except the part where they get to my shoulders. I've been so incredibly stressed lately, and it's all resting in my shoulders. I don't even have to reach my hands back there, I can just feel the knots when I move. I need to practice calming down or channeling my stress, or actually taking my meds instead of just pretending I don't need them anymore. But yeah, I'm really looking forward to my mom being here. I think she's going to stay in my room with me. Cute, yes? Hehe.
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| Thursday, March 17th, 2005
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2:50 am
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I haven't been well. Tragically, I am bored with life. A self-diagnosis admits that I am too inwardly focused. Hee hee...get the paradox? Anyway, I continually say that all that is necessary in my life is a genuine purpose, devoid of material gain. Well it's time to put my non-money where my mouth is. I'm currently pursuing an organization that directly deals with poverty within the Santa Barbara area whether that is through nourishment, housing, or most important for me, education. Upon graduation, I would like to apply such knowledge through the Peace Corps in some way. These are both whimsical ideas that deserve much contemplation and research; still I positively crave something beyond myself to cure this crippling apathy. No one understands the extent because it's masked, but I'm gasping for air here folks.
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| Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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4:24 pm
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we find as we go through the years
that life is not a vale of tears.
in spite of all the toil and pain,
the sunshine always follows rain.
the truth is: although rich or poor,
we see what we are looking for.
the only scale to weigh success
must be in terms of happiness.
yeah, it's sappy and simple, but after a day like this, it's precisely what the doctor would prescribe. i think i miss home.
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| Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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7:49 pm - wow
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i've been thinking about something today. livejournal has the potential to be a very dangerous place. it stands to fit with life and how little things that dont seem to matter to some, can be a huge deal to others. its so easy for words to be misconstrued and misunderstood depending on whos reading them. add a key board and a screen and you can mess things up with people you dont even know. then theres the important person in your life sparatically checking your posts and continuosly misunderstanding the meaning behind what your saying. this is terrifying, as its so incredibly easy to be blunt on lj, because without the physical connection, whats holding you back? you can say what you want and you wont have to see the emotional response that is generated in the physical self. you lose the ability to try to understand people in a way that is important. people seem to get hurt an awful lot. our society is heading down a path that might lead to self-destruction, we are well connected but no-one is speaking....
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| Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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11:54 am - i don't even know where to start...
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yesterday i attended one of the saddest gatherings i’ve ever been a member of. an aquaintance from high school took his own life. there is such sorrow in this world. i can’t pretend that these events aren’t happening, that while i bask in the ease of my mediocre american life, people are doing everything they can to survive. the destitute crowd around philanthropic outreach workers for bare necessities of life to be distributed, and i gush over what sort of "howie bread" i want for my pizza. and like myself, i observe people all around me exhausting themselves over trivial, inconsequential events. why does this frustrate so few? we are all guilty of it, yet does anyone take notice of the pointlessness of our worries? sadly, our social networks, physical appearance, and monetary gains become significant because we must concern ourselves over something. living by necessity has been construed into foolishness, troubles that once seemed minor now claim lives, in life and in death. society encourages us to focus on banal issues to divert the spotlight off of real culprits and real problems. if an educated citizen body is essential for a functional democracy then what is the aim of a government that propagates ignorance, stupidity, and near blindness of serious, social problems? nowadays, the word "epidemic" is used indefatigably to describe a dire problem that spans a good deal of society. its meaning has lessened with its frequent usage, but if there ever was a contemporary social epidemic, ignorance would be it, the proverbial tumor of our great nation.
i apologize for being so distressed. anyone who’s ever conversed longer than twenty minutes with me would understand me as a great cynic. i criticize humanity tirelessly, yes, but i do it out of sincere concern for the well-being of our race. i see our future as very bleak, as a prophecy of doom that only a handful of us take stock in. the problem is i’ve limited myself to a voice that will reach hardly any and affect even less. in their redundancy my words have come to resemble a crazed little girl on the street corner. the sincerity is there, but the ability to usher change is not, and perhaps never will be.
current mood:  cynical
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11:45 am - warning:
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i am a dream, i am a nightmare. i am paradox in the extream. i can love and hate at the drop of a hat but the emotions that come so easily are typically the ones that last forever. i am beautiful and i can be ugly. i am a song, a poem, a sonnet, a whisper in the bleakness of the night. i am all you hate to love and all you love to hate. This is who I am. love it or leave it, it's all the same to me.
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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1:01 am - hmm...
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i think for me the weirdest thing about past relationships are the singular objects or actions that tirelessly send you back to them. i was just taking the wrapping off a new cd, and automatically i thought of josh, and how he used to have to remove it in an exact way. i was intitially tempted to say this is one of the worst things about dating histories, but the more i think about it, the more i realize that i do actually smile a little when i remember these things. it doesn't really bother me that much that every time i hear coldplay, i still think of my first real boyfriend. i guess for someone like me, who has a hard time losing anyone she used to care about even in the slightest, it's a tiny comfort to know that i will always have these incredibly dorky instances to remind me of those once special people.
current mood:  nostalgic
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